Tag Archives: life

Restless

Restless

That’s been me

All the last week

Perhaps it was the full moon.  More likely it’s the change of seasons. 

FALL

I can feel it in the air.  That little crisp undertone.  The long, golden sun rays that warm, not bake or burn.  Here, at this time of year, nature starts to wind down, preparing for rest and rejuvenation.  For sleep over the winter. 

What do we humans do?  We step it up a notch.  Kids go back to school; in workplaces, vacations end and meetings or projects start. 

For me, I have 4 more weeks of summer market, and in less than 10 short weeks, Christmas shows BEGIN.  In the meantime, my self-imposed deadlines on projects  include:  Launching a new website (yeah!) and ensuring my retail spots have enough product.  Oh, and I need to make product for said Christmas shows.

Did you hear that????? 

That was me…freaking out…just a bit…

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It’s Friday, I’m in Love: Tickle your senses

Bread and Roses ~ James Oppenheim
As we come marching, marching in the beauty of the day,
A million darkened kitchens, a thousand mill lofts gray,
Are touched with all the radiance that a sudden sun discloses,
For the people hear us singing: “Bread and roses! Bread and roses!”
As we come marching, marching, we battle too for men,
For they are women’s children, and we mother them again.
Our lives shall not be sweated from birth until life closes;
Hearts starve as well as bodies; give us bread, but give us roses!
As we come marching, marching, unnumbered women dead
Go crying through our singing their ancient cry for bread.
Small art and love and beauty their drudging spirits knew.
Yes, it is bread we fight for — but we fight for roses, too!
As we come marching, marching, we bring the greater days.
The rising of the women means the rising of the race.
No more the drudge and idler — ten that toil where one reposes,
But a sharing of life’s glories: Bread and roses! Bread and roses!

 

There is a rose bush by my place, squeezed between the street, sidewalk and parking lot. 

See it?

I walk by it almost every day. 

I love this rose bush. 

It tickles my senses:  a heavenly scent – rich and velvety,  a vibrant magenta colour. 

Yummmm

And it’s hardy…it blooms every year, sandwhiched there, with no one really taking care of it.  Tenacious, grounded.  The poem, Bread and Roses,  and it’s symbolism, has  represented many a cause . 

Like the poem, my rose bush reminds me that not only do we need function, we also need beauty.

Today, stop and smell the roses.

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What is standing in your way?

I decided I would use Tara’s We Scout Wednesdays as the spark to keep me blogging. (I know, dear blog reader, that I have left you hanging a bit…here’s to getting it back!)

This week, she has served us up a doozy…by sharing her own, she is cajoling us to expose our soft underbelly, to explore and state (and thus release?) our fears, our struggles in living the creative life (in other words, the life you love).   

**Takes deep breath**

There really is no easy way for me to say it:  My mother passed away when I was 11, suddenly, traumatically. 

My brothers are much older than me, adults by that time.  We had just moved back to where I was born, where my mom was born and were settling into a life there.  Looking back, I believe I was in shock for a long, long time. 

It left a gaping hole in my heart, a very deep and dark hole.  Who can describe that when they are 11?  I was hurt, angry, sad, numb, repeat, repeat, repeat.  I tried many things to fill the gap, the void, the hole, so that I could become whole again.  I was tough, independent, somewhat standoffish on the outside…my uncle called me “Stands with a Fist”.  I moved frequently, chasing — no running from myself.  I partied a little too much and threw myself at unworthy men.  I gained weight (and lost it and gained more, you know the drill).  I worked too much and appeared “successful”.  Went to personal growth groups and workshops and to therapy.  Said “I can’t”.  On the inside I churned through the emotional roller coaster. 

NO ONE, not even me, could fill the role of Mom. 

Even through all that, I had creative endeavours.  I made jewellery, I knit, I tried other crafty things, I researched family history, I scrapbooked, took up photography, made cards, wrote and wrote and wrote.   

And yet, I felt somehow not enough…not Enough…NOT ENOUGH and NOT DESERVING.  I couldn’t even keep a mother, how the heck was I supposed to do anything else? 

If I had to name the fear that arises from this place of  “NOT”, it is that somehow I would be found out to be a fraud…

And the reality is that the life I had constructed for myself, to keep myself safe, was a fraud:  constricted, strangled, controlled, driven, fearful. 

It wasn’t until I found yoga that I began to see that I was enough, AM enough, AM deserving.  There is nowhere to hide on the yoga mat….you are there, in all your glory, doing what you can on any given day, in any given class.  And what ever you do is exactly right.  I learned to open up my heart; to see the beauty of me and to break away from my old life.  It was not me.   

Now, in my small moments, it is the fear that keeps me down, that stands in my way: the fear of being “found out”. 

I tell you all this not to throw some big pity party, but to air it out, like taking the band-aid off the sore so it can close over, healing itself. 

The hole is not near as deep as it was; I am healing, becoming whole.   

Because, somewhere deep inside, I believe in myself.

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What’s your handle?

Hmm.. pondering the question “what’s your label?” from Tara over at Scoutie Girl is asking this week for We Scout Wednesdays.  I have noticed a shift in myself.  Here’s the scoop: 

This is the ultimate cocktail party question that in the past I always hated answering.  In my previous life, the scenario went something like this:  “What do you do?”  “Um, I’m a probation officer” “Oh.”  walks away.  Yup.  Keep in mind, I lived in small northern towns and in one of them I was THE ONLY probation officer.  So, I usually steered far away from that topic of conversation.  When my friends and I went to Vegas one year, I told them NOT to tell any one I was a PO – to pick something else like lawyer; I could fake a lawyer if I needed to.  Hilariously, we met these guys who were….wait for it…you got it, prison guards.  And they were doing the same thing.  My friends roared! 

Now a days, three years out of government life, I have gone through an evolution of labels.  When I left government, I actually ran off and became a yoga teacher.  The jewellery was there, but only part-time, on the periphery.  For a year, I taught full-time, and would say ” I teach yoga”.  Then, after my first show, and a cut back of teaching, I started to say:  “I teach yoga and I make and sell jewellery.”

Over the course of the jewellery biz life, I have played with the name and have gone from Silver Gems, to Leona’s Silver Gems, to Silver Links, to Silver Lynx.  And now when I introduce myself, I say “I design and sell handmade jewellery”. 

Tara’s point is that whatever you label yourself can give you the power, the confidence to BE that and more.  I remember clearly in teacher training when Craig started to call us teachers.  It was about the time we finished posture clinic; into week 8.  His point was clear:  You are teachers, so act like you are teachers.  I thought it was a cool shift in perspective. 

Choose your label consciously. 

Choose your label with flourish. 

And then Go For It!

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Running to stand still

Lately, I have this sense that someone has pushed fast forward on my life.  It seems everything is going lightening speed.  Like I am running to stand still

It can be staggering, tiring, overwhelming all at the same time.  When these things surface, it’s best for me to curl up with a good book, unplugged.  Or hit the yoga mat.  To recharge, renew and resurface with new life. 

And there are moments when this produces a large grin on my face.   Because this is exciting – not stagnating.  Stimulating.  I am learning, growing, moving – Living

All I know is life is one crazy adventure.  Best to hang on and enjoy the ride.

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Inspired by ~ Life

Everyday there are the small things that inspire us to live better lives.  Inspire hope.  Inspire creativity.  Inspire us to be ourselves.   To go for it.  Or even just give us a small smile. 

These are the moments to collect and string together.  To wear proudly and to use in whatever endeavour you happen to be undertaking that day.  Or the next. 

Inspiration is all around us, all the time, if we only open our eyes.

What will inspire you today?

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Celebrating breakthroughs and accomplishments

As a yoga instructor, I get to witness phenomenal change in the students – in their bodies, and their minds.  I get to see them touch their forehead to the floor for the first time, grab their heels, see their foot fly above their heads.  I am party to their breakdowns and thus their breakthroughs.  I see their yoga grin grow and their spirits glow.  It is fantastic and keeps me returning to the podium time and time again.  For them, to see them. 

I realized post-101 challenge that I am not so good at witnessing, expressing, embracing these achievements in myself.  That I often put it down to “what is” or even the heavier “I can do better” (partnered with a little “I used to”).  When I see it in my students, I revel in their amazing-ness.  When I even bother to recognize it in me, I am all too ready to pass it off, to glide over it. 

Why is that?  This is not uncommon; in fact I see it everyday in others along with myself.  This belief that we are some how wrong, or not good enough to celebrate ourselves.  That only selfish people boast about themselves.  That this is BAD.  Nice people don’t do that. We hang out, waiting, wanting for someone to notice us, to toot our horn for us…perhaps so we can say “gosh, it was nothing, really”.

Now, I am not talking about overblown ego here, where someone creates themselves to be something they are not, trying to one-up everyone else. 

I’m talking marveling in our own specialness, reveling in our talents – recognizing and embracing whatever it is that we do well, every day.  Believing in ourselves.  And showing that off to the world.  Because to cover it up is fraudulent – papering over what we are in all its glory is a false front.  It is not who we are; it is not even special. 

We must Grow, Bloom, Thrive. 

Kick the Damn Door DOWN and embrace your abundance. 

What are you celebrating in yourself today?

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